Body Shame: where are you hiding?
What I have to say here is piled up with my feelings of shame and vulnerablity. Why? Because I’m a fitness professional. A Pilates teacher, but spoiler alert, this PIlates body is far from perfect.
Earlier in the year I was part of a really fun workout series for a fantastic shoe line. I’ve previously worked as a makeup artist and I still enjoy the chance to be on film sets. The workouts we filmed were hard and a bit out of my normal comfort zone, but I looooooved being a part of it! The day the campaign was released I asked myself if I was truly ok with having people judge me physically. That very morning I was with a relatively new client, a successful and lovely woman in her 70’s. As I set her up for an exercise, she eyed my stomach & said, “ You have rolls there too!” . . . Excuse me?!? Come again?!? Are you for realz?? Yep, it was happening in real time, she was judging my body through her own body issues. BOOM! Did she just call me fat?? I asked her if she thought I was perfect before she saw me from that not-so-flattering angle? She had thought so (well now, isn’t that nice!). I asked her if knowing that I am not as perfect as she had thought, if she could be a little nicer to herself. This actually led to a good conversation about how much we both like ice cream. And this whole interaction definitely confirmed my earlier introspection: Am I comfortable putting my body out for other people to judge? Yes. Is my body perfect? No.
One thing I did learn from being on film sets, is that so many incredibly beautiful woman with gorgeous bodies have cellulite, fat, and all other sorts of things that my brain seems to hate about myself. I thought these woman were all gorgeous despite these attributes that I clearly saw as my own flaws. It gave me pause to rethink my own body image. These experiences have brought me a long way, though I still have judgements that I struggle with.
Many teachers in my field have a dance background with flexibility that my tight hips are, quite frankly, very envious of. I was on a photo shoot with some of these amazing bodies the other day. Enter stage right: my shame. There’s some stuff that my body feels super confident in and plenty that makes it want to hide away in the corner. Someone suggested a pose that these good ol’ hips of mine vehemently did not want to do. I felt that lack of self-worth creep right up on me and the internal dialogue of shame chastise me for not being good enough. For not doing the work on myself to change this “flaw” of my body. That shame monster is ruthless!!! At the end of the day though, I know that monster is nothing more than a shadow under the bed.
This shadowy aspect did bring up some worthwhile thoughts though. Our bodies store memories and even traumas throughout. Our weaknesses and physical issues can highlight were we have emotional baggage. For me it’s the hips. The pelvis is associated with deep vulnerability, fear, anxiety, sadness, the 2nd Chakra, and even an inability to love ourselves. Well, daaaaaang!!! If that doesn’t sound like a good place to get unstuck, I don’t know what else to say.
Self-worth has been my deep journey this past year, so this perspective hits homes. I’ve been working through my vulnerability of being judged on many levels, but most importantly getting over being judged by myself. I know I have the knowledge and ability to help my clients. I know I am curious to keep learning more and expanding. I know I will keep transforming my body and, in so doing, I will let it show me ways to get closer to my soul. Being honest here is a part of that work.
My body asks me to listen to the tightness in my hips. It asks: where else are you tight? Where else are you holding back? Where else do you need to let go? Where else are you hiding?
Our bodies are full of messages for us. Where’s your body trying to open you up?
with love & good feels, LBK